I often see patients or hear friends, family, fellow therapists and sometimes myself complain about results of something. A recent personal example would be frustrations with a new iPhone where a solid month of me spending hundreds of hours on the phone with tech support at AT&T as well as Apple was just creating more and more anger. I would call and explain the problem, a technician would walk me through troubleshooting again, and the problem would arise again 10 min after the phone call ended. After a certain point I felt a near disgust for the incompetence I was dealing with, “If I could just get someone to either give me a new phone or fix this one everything will be fine”. That my friends is the problem in this situation when it came to my emotional state. I was focused on the outcome, instead of focusing on my efforts to influence the person on the other end of the phone call. While I write this I am patiently waiting for a replacement device to arrive via Fed Ex, but the outcome I wanted only began to manifest when I switched gears from built up frustrations that sounded aggressive to a passive desire for help from someone else. So lets talk a little bit more about this concept of effort focus versus outcome focus to change how we measure ourselves and our lives.
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE
First let’s get one thing straight, outcomes matter, but only as a measuring tool of what is/isn’t working. Here is the crux of the shift, I cannot measure anyone else’s efforts, only my own, and I can’t predetermine any outcomes based on my efforts alone. My preparation and hard work might pay off, but if not the only value the outcome has is learning other ways to prepare and work hard differently. The nihilist would say, if hard work doesn’t predict the outcome then why try, well simply put, the hard work influences the outcomes, and I believe we should all be working to be better in our lives as much as we can! To give you something to visualize lets look at driving, the destination is the big outcome, but along the way there are dozens, hundreds or thousands of mile markers that are also small outcome measures. “My car just made it to mile marker 10, come on ol’ girl you got another one in you!” If the car breaks down though then it could mean failure of outcome, but then again, it’s just a mile, I could walk, hitch a ride, call a tow, push the big thing. In short, I can still apply effort to meet the next outcome and that effort is the most important part, without it we ensure failure.
WHERE TO START
So what to do differently in our lives you might ask? Look at the things you want, better job, more money, less legal issues, improved relationships, be a better spouse, parent, child. These wants only come with effort, and looking at the actions and efforts you may easily see what you could do differently. Once you see what to adjust then it’s a simple choice to decide what to do to make changes and try something different or do nothing different and keep blaming the universe for your struggles! “It’s impossible, I can’t make that sacrifice…” insert whatever excuse you may have, it is often fear of outcomes that stops you. Well, if we are truly shifting our focus from outcome to effort then we need to be much more afraid of “not doing” because that is a lifetime of “what if I had”. Think about that last sentence for a moment, a lifetime of thinking “what if I had” is a terrifying thought for me when it comes to the areas of my life I find important. I know I am often writing with little “you can do it” type concepts, but this one is “you have to do it” if you want change to occur in your life, stop laying around moaning about how hard things are and just make a plan and DO. After you receive a good or bad outcome see what to adjust in the plan and guess what boys and girls…DO again! That’s how you begin to create the life you want, one mile marker at a time!
LET’S GO
I know it can feel overwhelming, impossible or you may think “this is stupid, I don’t have what I need to fix these areas” all of that may be true, in fact it’s likely true, but you don’t know what you don’t know. You may need to add reaching out to an expert for help, you might have to ask an embarrassing question of “can you help me figure this out”. You may need to see a therapist to unlock sticking points associated with emotional blocks from your past. You may need to spend a little time and money learning, but if 6 months of struggles unlocks 20 years of growth wouldn’t that be worth it? So what are you waiting for? Be that person you want to be, get off your ass, make a plan and start measuring your efforts!