I talk to lots of young men and teen boys about anger as a therapist. I also talk to my son regularly and as his father I noticed my conversations with him are different than how I approach anger in my practice. So, to find a middle ground I am taking a different approach and it is the “look in the mirror” approach and thought I should share that here. If you find yourself or your family wondering why you are so angry and you can’t put your finger on it then read these next couple of paragraphs to gain some understanding, with great knowledge comes great power, with great power comes great responsibility…which is simply the ability to respond and that’s all most of us really need, a new ability.
First, lets discuss anger from a matter-of-fact position. All anger is rooted in expectations and demands. On some level we thought a situation, interaction or a performance should go a certain way and it fell short, that expectation leads to the rise of anger. Underneath that anger is a base emotion, it could be fear, embarrassment, loneliness or a myriad of others, but anger is the covering we often use as a defense for that emotion. So, let’s be blunt and use a stoic quote, “anger is simply the evidence of how unrealistic our expectations were”. We were wrong, we had an unrealistic expectation and now we have egg on our face…better go hulk on the situation to prevent further decay!
Now you may be thinking “ok sure, but it really ‘should’ go this way” and you may be right, it might be the perfect way for it to happen, but life is life, on its own terms! So if you notice any of the following language that is the starting point for your expectation evaluation-should/shouldn’t/have to/gotta/need to/must. These are all irrational demands! If you are holding that then what are you trying to prevent, what feeling do you want to avoid by having these demands…
So here is what I recommend going forward. If you are getting angry and you can take a breath simply ask yourself “WHY”. Why am I bothered, Why would I expect that, Why do I care so much. Then ask “WHAT”. What would it mean to me, What could be different, What am I avoiding. If you do the mental work to hit these ground floor answers you can then adjust your perspective, implement realistic expectations and have a calmer presence in your life. Your family and friends will thank you and your Dr. will be shocked at your next BP rating. Good luck out there and remember most of our emotions come from irrational thoughts from within ourselves!
“Pete, how would it sound if I had a rational expectation?” that language is softer, words such as “would like to/prefer to/hope for/appreciate if”. If you find that you are naturally using a softer less demanding language in your thoughts and words then you my friend are on the right path of reducing anger at the root, not just counting backwards from ten!
