In our last blog we spoke about “mistake making” and the term “irrational” came up a few times. So I thought I would break this down a bit to provide you with an understanding of what I mean. First let’s discuss the “3 musts” and then talk about where it comes from and how it affects us to shed light on the concept of “irrational” a little further.
3 Musts
The three musts were coined by Dr. Albert Ellis who spent his time researching and studying ancient Greek Philosophers. Dr. Ellis surmised that people generally are ok unless they have an irrational demand deriving from these musts. So what are the three musts?
- I MUST Do Well
- People MUST treat me well
- Life MUST be fair/easy
Now you might say “Pete there is no way I think like that” and I would argue, most if not all of us do, at one time or another, if not most of the time think this way. How can I make this claim, well let’s look at driving as a simple test. If you have been driving and got mad at yourself for a mistake like hitting the curb, missing a turn or the many other things that can happen my response is then you had a problem with Must #1. If you have ever been driving and got angry, upset, or annoyed by another driver because they honked, gave you the finger, cut you off, stole your parking space then you had a problem with Must #2. If you have ever been driving and got angry about the weather or annoyed by a red light, then I would say you had a problem with Must #3. If you can be honest with yourself that one if not all three of these have happened to you at some point then we can talk a little different going forward, if not then you my friend need to come teach me how you do it!
Ok so I do a Little “Must-ing”
Great! So do the rest of us, but what is it really? Well simply put they are irrational demands because they require a level of perfection that can’t exist in reality. I can’t do everything well, no one is required to treat me certain way, and life gets hard! It’s crazy to think any other way, but we all do. We say things life “Becky shouldn’t have worn the same perfume as Ann on Ann’s wedding day!” Why not? Because of some arbitrary rule? How about we would have preferred her not to do that but, she is free to do whatever she wants. What about “The damn rain ruined my plans for today!” Why should it not rain? That’s what nature does, how silly of us to think nature should stop for our plans. What about “I can’t believe I embarrassed myself that way!” Why is this so shocking? We all make silly embarrassing mistakes because no one is perfect at anything let alone everything.
So why do I make these pointed statements and bring up metaphorical situations? The simple truth is until we take time in our lives to see how silly our rules for us/people/the universe are the harder it is to find a more neutral “water off a ducks back” approach to life. Really taking time to examine our irrational requirements unlocks our freedom to be indifferent to the things that make no difference (read that one again!). Only after freeing our expectations from irrational thoughts can we find freedom and joy in most if not all situations. A red light goes from being a waste of time, to a brief pause to gather our thoughts and take a welcomed calming breath. If you would like help in identifying or learning about these musts in your life then schedule an appointment with a therapist (and I don’t care if it isn’t me, I just want us all to be better in the long run!)